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What My Mother Taught Me:
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A
JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside -- I just finished
cleaning!"
2. My mother
taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"
4. My mother taught me
LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why!"
5. My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Be sure you wear clean underwear
in case you're in an accident."
6. My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry
about."
7. My mother taught me about OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
8. My mother taught
me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
9. My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
10. My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as
if a tornado swept through your room."
11. My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because
I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen
then?"
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've
told you once, I've told you a million times -- don't
exaggerate!!!"
13. My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate
children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do!"
AT THE BEEP..." Actual Answering Machine
Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:
10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't
need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.
8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning
your call.
7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you
owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're
not here. So, leave a message.
4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy"
message, I'll call sooner.
3. Hi. Now YOU say something.
2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave
me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified
by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.
1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right
now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...
real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.
Prince George, B. C. bar.
From the province where drunk driving is
considered a sport, comes this true story. ....
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a Prince George, B. C.
bar.
After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled
around the street for a few
minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his
keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes
as a number of
other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry
night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a
few inches, reversed
a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left
At last he pulled
out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time,
now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the
man over and carried out a breathalyzer
test.
To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded,
the officer said, "I'll have to
ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I
doubt it, "said the truly proud Canadian, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Advice for the day: If you have a lot a tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin
bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"
- Author Unknown
- "A bus
station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation...go figure."
- Steven Wright
Worst Fortune Cookie Fortunes:
"What, 3 servings of Moo Shoo Pork weren't enough for you, tubby?"
"Your fullness will be short-lived. Like an hour, tops."
"Put all your money and jewelry in the egg roll and nobody gets hurt."
"Man who look to stale cookie for advice probably make good busboy. Ask waitress for application."
DUCKS
A man walked into a quiet bar. He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left
arm. He placed them one beside the other upon the bar. He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with the bartender.
The
bartender was surprised, but experienced enough to have learned not to ask people about animals they bring into the bar, so
he didn't mention the ducks.
They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks
had to go to
the restroom.
He left the ducks there on the bar. The bartender was alone with the ducks. There was an awkward silence
as they all looked at one another. The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation.
"Say,
what's your name?" he asked the first duck.
"Huey," replied the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great.
Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day! What
else could a duck want?" said the duck.
"Oh. That's
nice," said the bartender.
Then he said to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer
from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?", he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been
in and out of puddles all
day myself. If I had the chance on another day I'd do the same again"
said the duck in reply.
So
the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be
Louie?"
"No," SHE said, "my name is Puddles."
"And
don't even ask what kind of day I've had."
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to
buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him
that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some ass**** wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added," and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the
deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy
and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that
situation earlier. We like people who think on
their feet here.
Where are you from, son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why
did you leave Canada," the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's
nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No kidding??? Who did she play for?"
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst
to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the
closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the
closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside
and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way
more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit
in the confession booth and closes the door The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."
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Thoughts for the day...
1. Birds of a feather flock together
and crap on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example
I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It
makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency
to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid
the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your
body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't
met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. The sole
purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Hillbilly Medical Terms
Benign..........................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria........................Back
door to cafeteria.
Barium.........................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section..........A neighborhood
in Rome.
Catscan........................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize......................Made eye contact with
her.
Colic............................A sheep dog.
Coma...........................A punctuation mark.
D&C............................Where
Washington is.
Dilate...........................To live long.
Enema..........................Not a friend.
Fester...........................Quicker
than someone else.
Fibula...........................A small lie.
G.I.Series....................World Series of military
baseball.
Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent......................Distinguished, well
known.
Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid........................A
higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates.
Node...........................I knew
it.
Outpatient...................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis...........................Second
cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.......................Damn
near killed him.
Secretion.....................Hiding something
Seizure........................Roman emperor.
Tablet.........................A
small table.
Terminal Illness...........Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor..........................More than one.
Urine..........................Opposite of mine.
Varicose......................Near by/close by
Drinking buddies
Two buddies, Ralph and Rob, are getting very drunk
at a bar when suddenly Rob throws up all over
himself.
"Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!"
Ralph says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty
in your breast pocket,
tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaningbill." So they stay for another couple
of hours and goteven drunker.
Eventually Rob rolls into home and his wife Jane startsto give him a bad time. "You reek
of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself!
My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur,
Rob says, "Now wain aminit, I can e'splain everything! Itsh not what you think. I only had a couplea drinks. But this other
guy got sick on me. he'd had one too many and he just couldn't hold his liquor. He said he was very sorry an' gave me twenty
bucks for the cleaning bill!"
Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."
"Oh, yeah...I almos'
forgot, he crapped in my pants too."
What is a Cat?
- Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE , THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't
baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't
hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You
can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster
and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear
under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE ,THAT ADULTS
HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are
like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5)
Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber,
not the
joy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're
down there.
4) You're getting old
when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when
you know all the answers, but nobody bothers
to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy
beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe
in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At
age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . .
. having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age
50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers
license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
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